As if you needed more proof that Twilight really does suck...

I'm swamped with work this week, and not really into spending my 8-6s staring at a computer screen only to come home and stare at a computer screen some more. Not to mention I'm pretty much brain-dead, so rather than bother you with incomprehensible drivel, I thought I'd steer you in the direction of someone else's incomprehensible drivel: Stephanie Meyer's.

Illustration from Reasoning with Vampires

As if you needed more proof that Twilight really does suck, check out Reasoning with Vampires, an illustrated and annotated guide to how much Twilight really does suck. Sentence by sentence. All from someone who has actually read all of the books. And the novella.*


Thanks to Rebecca at The Book Lady's Blog for posting this link in her own anti-Twilight post. For more mocking of sparkly vampires, be sure to check out her other links.


* I should note that I have not actually read Twilight, and generally don't judge books I haven't read, no matter how tempting it is to make fun of the latest book on a suburban housewife-turned-spy-turned-vampire-killer who also sells drugs on the side to support her family and makes an excellent breakfast protein shake every day and eats a salad every day for lunch and that's how she lost 97 pounds in just TWO WEEKS. I make an exception for the following:
  • anything related to Twilight and/or sparkly vampires
  • anything by Nicholas Sparks, because the man actually thinks he doesn't write romance novels, and that his writing is worthy of Sparks Notes
  • anything by James Patterson, because one of those was enough for me to determine that they are all atrocious
  • anything by Nora Roberts, because I said so, and because no one can put out that many books in one year and still have any hope of them being any good


  1. Ahahaha too funny! May I add Jodi Picoult to your list of *ahem* authors? I read one of her books and that was enough to confirm my suspicions . . .

    I am holding out for one vampire-ish book though, and that's The Passage. I don't know, but it seems a little more scientific and dystopian than Twilight. I could be wrong. We'll see.

  2. Thank you for this link. I'm off to spend some time on this Tumblr

  3. I've never read Jodi Picoult, but I've heard that from others, too.

    And I have nothing against vampire books, per se, just sparkly vampires. I loved The Passage, and Dracula, and I still have intentions to read The Historian someday. The Passage is definitely more dystopian than the traditional vampire novel.

  4. Okay, okay...I did read all the Twilight books, and didn't mind them. I actually don't mind Picoult, either. But... the movies...ugh. Push me over a cliff, please. Sappy, lame, yuck.

    The Passage, Dracula, and The Historian are my absolute favorites when it comes to the real vampire stuff, although The Passage is definitely one that is very different than the norm. Sigh, 2012 please get here soon so I can read the second one.

    I agree with you on your list which includes James Patterson - I had a Twitter conversation recently and posted on my Facebook fan site about him. Seriously, did you know that he puts out a gazillion books a year because he essentially has a "stable" of writers - he comes up with the idea and then someone in the group actually writes it. Their name is listed as the author (in smaller letters under Patterson). If he's trying to drive brand recognition, can't he just let the author write the book and let them take all the glory, and he can slap a sticker of some sort on the book cover (like...Oprah) that reads "Patterson Approved," or something like that? I feel bad for that writer - after all, who knows what their contract clause states? Are they not allowed to write on their own for an x amount of years? Makes me nauseous.

    Thanks for letting me vent.

  5. You're hilarious. Enjoyed, and will continue to enjoy these links! Thanks.

  6. So funny. I am another Twilight fan, although I am happy to admit they suck - doesn't remove the enjoyment for me I'm afraid! In fact, it makes it even more fun - you can have fun reading them and then have fun talking about how bad they are :-)

  7. I admit, I have never read Twilight and really have no intention of doing so. I do like Picoult. I used to read James Patterson, but became bored with his books after reading - oh, two of them. But, I did not know about his "stable" of writers. Good grief - how lazy!
    And, once again, I have come to your blog, Kerry, just checking things out and ordering yet another book (The Historian). It's really rather expensive for me to read your blog! However, keep on writing - it's great fun to read.

  8. Kerry,

    You MUST read The Historian. I bought and read it when it first came out, totally on impulse and it was the first book I remember wanting to start over again right after finishing the last page. Also, I really wanted to be back in school doing lots of research on Vlad Tepes. And so on. Now I'm reading it aloud to my husband, and we've got about a quarter left. I highly recommend it. The writing is quality and the atmosphere will totally transport you.

    I admit to having read the Twilight series, and the novella, and the Host. In fact, I own them. True story!! Her writing is technically terrible. Atrocious. But there is no denying—I can't deny, anyway—that they are strangely compelling. I devoured them very quickly. I didn't even have a problem with the vamps being sparkly, especially since I know the story was inspired by a dream, and we all know strange and magical things happen in dreams. The novella especially sucked and I read that aloud in perhaps two nights. But I also read aloud the entire series to my manly husband and he too couldn't get enough. It was so weird, even while parts were laughable, how compelled we were to read them.

    PS. I have to say, I tend to blame editors more than authors for the finished product.

    PS. We are so uncannily similar. I feel the same way about Roberts, Patterson, Sparks, and quite a few other popular others.

  9. PS. While it's kind of funny, this line-by-line critique of Twilight, it's also unfair. Taken out of context or the flow of the text, of course the sentences are going to sound particularly bad and ridiculous. But when you're reading, it's different. You don't tend to notice as much. And I say that as a copyeditor! I'm not entirely certain that many books would stand up to such a test. Except perhaps literary fiction, which Twilight has never pretended to be, anyway.

  10. Coffee and a Book - Did you see the blogger that read a chapter of James Patterson a day and wrote about it? It was kind of like Reasoning with Vampires, but (to Steph's point, below), a whole chapter gives more context than just one sentence at a time. And I really do plan to read The Historian! I was so disappointed that I let that read-a-long slip away in the fall... just too much on my plate that month.

    Beth - Glad you enjoyed it and the others!

    Becky - I do know what you mean; there is something enjoyable about recognizing how terrible something is and then enjoying it anyway. Isn't that why we still allow ourselves to eat fried food and/or watch any show currently airing on MTV?

    Ann - I hope you enjoy it! I've heard only good things.

  11. Steph - I've heard only excellent things about The Historian, and I loved her second book, The Swan Thieves (which I listened to on audio while driving from NYC to MD twice in one week... by myself). I had intended to participate in the On the Shelf read-a-long of The Historian in October, but life and wedding plans got in the way and I never made it past the first chapter.

    And I, too, tend to blame editors more than authors for the finished product. That's why we have editors in the first place - to edit the things that need editing.

    And, lastly, excellent point about the sentences being taken out of context. I mentioned above the blog about James Patterson, in which a blogger read a chapter a day and wrote about it. That does provide more context than just a sentence. Although to be fair, the blogger at Reading with Vampires did read all of the books before embarking on that particular Tumbly journey. :-)

  12. It's still an interesting read among fans of the romantic genre.


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